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Social Grace: My Struggle with OCD

Cosimo A. D'Aleo let's you into the "dirty" world for those who struggle & suffer from OCD.

Last week I attended the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences (NATAS) Meetup, for local broadcasters and social media types to get together and share ideas. Because I am actively writing, and looking to get more involved in both broadcasting and social media, it was a great opportunity for me to get out and “press some flesh;” however, in most circumstances when a person meets another for the first time (particularly in the professional world), certain things are expected…are customary if you will.

One of these customary things is shaking hands when introductions are made. For most people, shaking hands is second-nature and is rarely given any thought. Unfortunately for me, my mind doesn’t quite work that way.

You see, I have OCD.

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Many people are uninformed on Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), so I will give you the basics as they apply to me. OCD is an anxiety disorder in which people have unwanted thoughts, ideas, feelings, sensations (these are the obsessions), or behaviors that make them feel determined to do something (which drives the compulsions). The worst thing about the obsessions is that they are repeated; constantly. OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

For an example, I have a very hard time shaking hands with people (new people especially). The thing for me is, when someone shakes my hand I immediately think, “Did this person wash their hands? Are they sick? Did they use the bathroom, and then come right over to me,” etc. And they don’t stop. Many people have said to me, “Oh yeah, I do that too.” The major difference is that when I think those things, my mind doesn’t stop. I will be having a “conversation,” but my mind is still thinking hyper-focused solely on those negative thoughts (the obsession). I try to listen, and engage in dialogue, but I cannot think of anything other than them having just touched me, and I need to wash my hands. Thus, we get to the compulsions.

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When my mind begins to loop these thoughts I have to (not want-HAVE TO) do something about it. Typically the result is me using scalding hot water on my hands with soap for several minutes. Then, as long as I am able to get paper towel or some other “clean” perishable item to open the bathroom door, I am finally able to come back out and chat with people. But wouldn’t you know it, someone else wants to shake my hand, and the process starts all over again. I have spent many nights out where the majority of my time has been going back and forth to the bathroom, burning my flesh, so that I can go back out and have fun. Some people think I "disappear" when out, and nearly 85% of the time this is why. If I don't leave and perform the "ritual of cleaning," I can end up having a panic attack, and end up incapacitated for a few hours to a few days. This really confuses people, and I wish they could be more understanding, but most, if not all, are not. The other thing that confuses others is that I do know that I (probably) will not get sick.

You see, the rational mind does not matter to those of us suffering from OCD. Even though I realize that the likelihood of me “catching” something from shaking hands, or any other minor interaction, with someone the rationale does not stop my mind from obsessing.

The continuous intrusive thoughts persists even though my rational mind knows better. What are some of the ruminations? Explicit Sexual thoughts (depending upon when and where these thoughts are numerous and varied) that seem to linger forever, compulsive checking to see if something was done (doesn't matter if it's me or someone else who was supposed to do handle something), fear of harming others (I'm constantly scared of dropping a baby, so I just don't hold them), and other urges. And it's not just thoughts. They start out that way sure, but if I can't stop thinking about something pretty quickly the thoughts turn into images and then into movies in my head. All of these things are hard to understand if you do not suffer from the disorder, but causes immense anxiety and distress for those of us who do.

I know that some of my thoughts about suicide stem from the disorder, which manifests in a very real fear of losing control and harming myself. I do not have a fear of heights, but I DO have a fear of being on top of a building and jumping off. Even if I am not in a depressive mood and haven't been thinking suicidal thoughts in quite a while there is this nagging, "What will happen if I just jump," type of thoughts that just don't go away.

Another fun fact about me is that I have (to date) never been high or drunk in my entire life. Sure, some of it is because I have no interest in it. Another thought (suggested by OCD studies) is that those of us with OCD can have an extremely focused moralistic ideal (and/or religious), which we hold ourselves and others too. I try to not put that on others in my life, but I'd be lying if I said that a lot of my personal relationships with women haven't suffered because of my views on excessive drinking and any type of drug use.

Further, the disorder also exhibits itself through constant doubt - am I good enough? Is someone else good enough? Have they completed their task, etc. It's a constant fear that if something isn't done perfectly or if something doesn't go as planned that something terrible will happen.

Still reading, thanks for staying! Most people who suffer from OCD fall into one of the categories I've already mentioned, but I'm the lucky one who suffers from all of them (to varying degrees). Even though one or two of my ex-girlfriends would likely disagree, the only category I do not suffer from is hoarding. I have a lot of stuff, but I don't think that anything bad will happen if I throw it away or otherwise get rid of it; however, that IS another category of the disorder.

I’ve tried over the years to analogize this for people, with little to no avail. Many say or think that they have OCD, because they obsess about something or sometimes perform compulsive behaviors, but this does not mean that they have OCD. If you are not spending massive amounts of time with these thoughts and behaviors, interfering with your daily life and relationships you are likely okay. I will try here once again to help you understand, but if history is any guide you too will likely not get it.

Imagine if you will, a mother has just watched the early morning news and heard a story about a child being kidnapped in a neighborhood very close to her own. This mother’s child is walking to school today for the very first time, all grown up without parent supervision. Now, imagine this mother’s anxiety heightened as the news story is played over and over again in her mind as her child leaves, and all she can do is think of ever increasingly more horrible things happening to her child (obsession), until she must follow the child in the car to be sure that he/she is safe (compulsion).

That’s what it is like for me. Every conceivable bad thing that could happen is endlessly looped in my mind, until I must remedy the situation, which means performing my cleaning ritual. Make sense? Probably not.

I recognize that most reading this will not understand what I am trying to explain, and I don’t even think I care about understanding at this point. I believe the major thing I would like for those of us enduring OCD is a little empathy. You don’t have to understand what someone going through cancer is undergoing, but you can have compassion for them. And while I am in no way trying to equate OCD with cancer, I am saying that it is a verifiable disorder, and that many people suffer from it; so, when someone tells you that they have OCD maybe, at a minimum, you can treat them like a human being and not tease or otherwise berate them.

Unfortunately, I’ve had some family members, a few friends, and many ex-girlfriends (along with their friends and family) brush aside my disorder as me just being difficult. I remember one instance in particular.

I had been dating this woman for over a year and a half, when I went to her family's home to share in the Thanksgiving holiday for dinner. I had politely asked my girlfriend if she could solicit her mother to make me a plate before her friends and family started going around the buffet table-because, not only her family, but most people I have come into contact with when at a family buffet, will use their hands to pick at plates, regardless of whether or not there are serving utensils. My girlfriend told me she would. About an hour later, when we were close to eating dinner, I again asked my girlfriend if she could get my plate going, as people were looking rather ravenous, and I knew the food-fingering (as I like to call it) was about to begin.

So, with eyes rolled, my girlfriend leans back from the table and yells over to her mother, “Mom, could you make Cosimo a plate please. Remember he’s weird.” He’s weird? So not only did she dismiss my seemingly easy request, she announces to everyone within earshot that I am weird. This was the woman who was supposed to care for me the most?

It doesn’t end there.

There are lots of instances, and stories I could share, but the latter story best exemplifies what I have to go through on a daily basis. People at work make fun of me for my “quirks,” as do friends. With most people, I have been able to get away from shaking hands, as I’ve invented the elbow-bump-hello roughly 15 years ago, so that I do not have to shake hands. My friends know this, and still joke about it; but hey, at least they do it and save me the time of constantly washing my hands. And I am not as bad as I once was.

Identifying my triggers has been the first step in trying to stop issues before they start. Arguments with people I care about is a trigger. Shaking hands with others is a trigger. Hugging is a trigger. Touching things with my bare hands is often a trigger. Recognizing the triggers helps to resist the OCD compulsions, but it doesn't eliminate them, so I do my best to avoid certain situations. And there's more.

I have been engaging in what is known as exposure therapy. Basically, exposure therapy consists of the person suffering from OCD to repeatedly do the very thing that terrifies them. For me, while I struggle with a few typical obsessive-compulsive traits, my major one is touching door handles and shaking hands. So, I will shake hands and open doors, and try not to wash my hands for as long as I can. On a good day, I can go an hour. On a bad day, not even thirty seconds. I have gotten better overall, and continue to try.

Currently, I am very appreciative that some celebrities (such as Howie Mandel) have come forward with their struggle with OCD. While this has given little understanding to most people, I do think it has largely increased the acceptance for those of us besieged with OCD. So for now, that will have to be enough. But there are things that YOU can do to help someone with OCD.

First off, negative comments or criticism often make OCD worse, regardless of how you frame it; thus, a supportive environment is ideal. Remember that our rituals are NOT something we enjoy and we can't just stop them, so making fun of someone performing a ritual is no help. Remind yourself that our behavior is a symptom of a disorder and not some character flaw that you are indulging.

Also, be sure to support the person with the disorder, but do not support the compulsions that are out of the ordinary. That can lead to the person with OCD feeling justified, which only reinforces their compulsions and/or behaviors.

Praise goes a long way. When someone like me DOES shake your hand without immediately leaving to wash up is a win. Focusing on the successful attempt to resist OCD reinforces the positive, which is what everyone can understand. But don't make me feel like crap if it doesn't happen (quick FYI - it rarely does).

For those I have yet to meet in person, or even those who are acquaintances who I have met once or twice in the past, please try to keep this in mind when we see one another - if you reach out to shake my hand or even give me a hug and I throw up my elbow in response I will tell you the same thing I have told many women over the years, "It's not you, it's me."

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