The Smallest of Miracles

The holidays have come to an end.  I had high hopes and lofty expectations.  A little too much belief that Santa could bring me whatever my family wanted.   I had my sights set on miracles occurring during those few short weeks in December.  Big dreams.  So much anticipation for what I believed this Christmas season would bring....My family waited and waited and waited....then nothing.  No big hugs Christmas morning or "I love yous" or shouts of glee or any words of any kind.  My Christmas miracle didn't happen.  My wish that my son would finally talk did not happen.  I was a little sad Christmas morning and yes, a little disappointed.  I was even a little angry with myself for letting my heart, instead of my mind, guide me during those days leading up to Christmas morning.  Brady was out of sorts from the late nights and continuous holiday festivities and didn't show much interest in any of his toys.  It was like any other day for him.  While our daughter, Molly, ripped though present after present, screaming out with sheer happiness and childhood joy that every parent wants to see on Christmas morning, Brady stood back while his dad and I opened his presents and tried to get him to show some interest, any interest, in these brand new gifts.  And I waited for the sound of his voice.  And I waited.  As the day progressed I knew the words were not coming.  Christmas day was not the day.  It just wasn't meant to be.  He is just not ready to talk yet.   Molly looked at me, as the Christmas day came to a close and said..."I got absolutely everything I hoped for...except one."  She didn't have to tell me what that was-I knew.  But as everyone who has experienced heartbreak or challenges, knows, life goes on.  My husband Joe always has the week between Christmas and New Year's off.  We are blessed that he can be home with the kids during their holiday break...because I am not.  Every year my husband looks forward to this week.  A week to relax with everyone's new toys, lots of football and lots of time to be "fun dad."  But this year, Joe told me during the early hours of December 26th, he was actually jealous of me.  Jealous that I was going to work.  I looked at him with surprise and sympathy all at once.  I know that Brady at home is a little bit of a nightmare.  Part of Brady's chromosome duplication, has rendered him with almost no attention span.  Brady goes from object to object in our house, knocking things over.  Breaking things.  There is no rhyme or reason to what he throws down or knocks over.  There is no purpose.  There is no response to the word "no."  There is only frustration. Frustration for his family.  It is the kind of frustration that makes my eyes fill with tears. It is the kind of frustration that overwhlems you.  Imagine watching your 3 1/2 year old child ripping three rows of books down off his bookshelf without pausing, even once, to look at what he is taking off the shelf.  Imagine your 3 1/2 year old child taking a kitchen set and instead of playing make believe and pretending to cook for his parents...he knocks it over...it comes tumbling down,for no reason.  Imagine if your 3 1/2 year old child had never watched any television.  No Wiggles, no Cars, no shows, no movies.  Imagine if you never got a break at home from following him around.  Our day-to-day life with Brady, is like this.  It makes me sad, worried, frustrated and confused watching my little boy walk around our house without a purpose.  Or maybe he has a purpose and we just don't know it yet.  Either way....it is frustrating as a parent, and as a sibling.  Sometimes, our days feel like the movie "Groundhog Day".  Same thing....over and over....no end in sight.  I yearn for a day where I have to yell to Brady...turn that tv off.Joe was worried about how he would handle five days home with Brady and no structured activities.  No school to break up his day.  I run a lot of errands when Brady and I have time together.  I am relaxed when we are out of the house,  Out of the chaos.  I enjoy my son's company as we stroll the aisles of Target or pick up groceries together at Kroger.  I talk to him about everything and everyone.  He looks around with the those big blue eyes and I let myself believe he is listening to me.  He is the very best listener.  Joe took my advice and ran errands with Brady.  He too enjoyed Brady's company.  He went jogging with the kids...Molly ran and Brady rode along in his jogging stroller.  Brady loves the outdoors and luckily for Joe, we had the mildest Christmas ever.  They played on the swing set, went to parks and took down Christmas lights together.  Joe was feeling ok about their time home.  Then  little miracles started to happen.  Brady started looking Joe straight in the eye and smiling at him as they strolled the aisles of Target.  He rode on his new scooter from Santa and squealed in glee as his dad rode on the back.  He enjoyed this gift. And then, the littlest big miracle happened.  On New Year's morning, as his tired sister sat on the couch, we popped in his new children's songs video he received as a gift from his Grandma and Bubba.  I put Brady on the couch next to his big sister, under a big cozy blanket and waited for him to scoot out from under the blanket and disappear into the mess of toys he had thrown on the ground.  Instead, Brady cuddled up next to Molly and watched.  He stared at that tv...smiling and laughing and kicking his little feet under that blanket for 20 minutes.  Twenty whole minutes that felt like hours to me.  Twenty minutes of bliss-for all of us... for our own reasons. I felt the tears come and roll down my cheeks as my little boy did something so little that meant something so big.  Brady paid real attention to something that someone else chose for him for a solid 20 minutes...we consider this a miracle.  I took a deep breath and exhaled as my son finally kicked the blanket off and went on his way. My husband celebrated with high fives all around.  My daughter looked at me with her own tears of joy glazing over her eyes and smiled the biggest smile.  A smile that is reserved for things greater than Ipod touches and American Girl dolls....a smile reserved for real gifts.  We are hopeful that these small miracle are just beginning and 2012 will be filled with so many of them.