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Health & Fitness

10 Tips for New Grandparents

Here are 10 tips for grandparents to feel empowered during the transition from mom to grandmother. If you want to be helpful and not hurtful read this list!

Dear New Grandmother,

Congratulations on the new addtion to your family!  Since you had children a lot has changed.  Sometimes, with your intention to help, you offer advice about how you raised your children, or how things were done when you were a new mother.  While this information is interesting to discuss it is not helpful in the early days after a new baby is born.  In your kind desire to help, you may overstep or cause tension by inadvertently taking over.  To help everyone involved during this joyful time remember these 10 tips.  

  1. Brand new mothers are VERY emotional.  After baby is born a mother's hormones undergo a significant change, please keep this in mind with every interacation.   An offhand comment can stick in her mind for years!  
  2. Offer new parents unconditional positive regard.  This means you genuinely believe they are doing their best. 

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  • In my work as a postpartum doula, I support famlies to make their own decisions.  Remember that this new baby is THEIR baby, and support this new mother and father in their choices even if they are different from your own. 

  • Tell her you are proud of her.  

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  • Ask how you can help.  Say, "Could I bring dinner over someday this week?  Is there anything you are craving?"  Ask, "Would you like me to hold baby while you eat, shower, do something you want to do?"  Offer, "Can I do a load of laundry for you?"  and be sensitive to her answers.  

  • Understand that a newborn NEEDS to be with his/her mother.   Please don't feel offended if you don't get to hold or feed the baby much.  The time for you to snuggle your grandchild will come soon enough.  Encourage mom, and dad to bond and be with baby.  If your grandchild is being breastfed, support mom in her efforts don't comment that you could help IF she would make a bottle.

  • When you are holding baby, ask mom every so often if she would like baby back.  This help dispell any competitiveness.  Be clear that it is her baby and you will be happy to hold or not hold the baby.

  • Ask questions with kindness and geniune curiosity, if mom is doing things differently than you did.  Are your children choosing to co-sleep?  Breastfeed?  Babywear?  or maybe they chose not to circumsize your grandson?  The list of possibilites is endless so if your child chooses to do things differently than you did, please remember it isn't about you, and they aren't saying you did it wrong.  Every parent has to decide what feels right for them.  Be honest, let them know that you want to support them in their choices.

  • Give new parents praise.  After a difficult situation be sincere and tell them what you saw them do.  For instance, baby is crying and mom struggles to get her baby to latch on to the breast.  After a few minutes of trying baby latches on and is nursing well.  Say, "Baby was upset, but you were patient and helped her latch on."  

  • Remind mom to be gentle with herself.  Being a new mom is wonderful, but like any new job motherhood can be stressful and overwhelming.  In the first week after a baby is born I suggest to mothers to sleep as much as possible, and remember that her only job is to care for baby.   With other people helping she can let everything else go including housework, thank-you cards, visitors, cooking, etc.  
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    Read my last blog post The Secret to Helping Your Newborn Cry Less.

    You can e-mail me with questions/comments at theafterbabylady@gmail.com

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